Twenty One.
It’s been several weeks since I last posted and a TON has happened … . almost all good things.
For one, I feel like a New Yorker now. I understand what happens to people when they live here… I feel like I can imagine my life here much easier. The idea of living in New York City isn’t that dream anymore … it’s reality.
I mean, I remember when I was 16 and I first came to NYC … I remember stepping off the train and thinking “oh my god … I’m here. This is where I belong.” And I remember telling my parents that one day I would live here and write musicals. I’m living here and writing musicals . . how FREAKY is that? It’s very freaky frankly.
Since we last talked … man, I don’t know when we last talked. I’ll start in the middle of November …that’s when things started getting SO crazy that I barely had time to breathe let alone blog. And Nov 14 was my last ACTUAL blog, right? So I’m back here now for ACTUAL blog 21.
—Saw Michael John LaChuisa’s new show: QUEEN OF THE MIST. It was pretty fantastic. It was off-Broadway and hopefully will be moving to Broadway in the future. It was truly innovative and beautiful. And it was the first show that I’ve been able to walk up to the composer afterwards and hug them. I felt super important. haha.
—Saw Julianne Davis and Dan Collin’s show SOUTHERN COMFORT the Musical. That was also very very good. It was one of the first MUSICALS that really begins to tackle transgenderism/transsexuality that I’ve seen. I really respect and admire them for taking the jump into a difficult subject like that.
—I’ve had three REALLY fantastic collaborations in a row! That’s a HUGE plus!!
—I’ve been spending more time with Olivia, my friend from China. Her and I are becoming closer, which is great because we have sooo much to talk about. I get so bored with small talk and her and I NEVER have small talk. And it’s really great to have friends outside the program! Not that I don’t love every one IN the program— it’s just nice to have some people on the outside.
—Went to my beautiful niece’s Christening! That was so special and I was really happy to be home for the weekend! It’s still really hard to fathom that I’m an aunt!!
—Thanksgiving break was also wonderful. I think almost every Thanksgiving I drink too much wine and fall asleep way too early. Hah.
—Saw Julia (my roommate)’s show at Manhattan Rep. It was truly wonderful. I feel honored to be around such talented people here … I’m constantly impressed by them.
—Saw the revival of Godspell and it was SO fantastic. The sound was awful— but the new arrangements and all the performances were astounding.
—I have two songs done now for my song cycle I’ve been working on :) Gotta revise the lyrics for the third then set it over break!
—My film scoring lessons are going really well- the professor says I definitely have a knack for it :) And that makes me REALLY happy.
—I set some lyrics for Bill Finn’s class and he actually liked it … that makes me happy, since he has the reputation of being hard to please!
—I had my end of the semester evaluation and that went very well! Very very well!
—Yesterday I had crazy good luck. Got rush tickets to the evening performance How to Succeed— this week is on of Dan Radcliffe’s last weeks in the show! Then at 2pm I walked into the Bonnie and Clyde theatre and SOMEHOW managed to get a rush ticket for the 2pm show! They started five minutes late and it was FANTASTIC. Frank Wildehorn gets a bad rap in the musical theatre community— but honestly BONNIE AND CLYDE was amazing. I loved it. I definitely can see some flaws in it, but what shows DON’T have some flaws? I was a little overwhelmed by the bagillion ‘I want’ songs, but honestly, I think it was their way to get into the characters and make them sympathetic— and I think they did that. I loved both characters! The show worked for me!
—How to Succeed was fantastic too! I was SOOO impressed with Radcliffe’s dancing! Everyone knows he’s a fantastic actor, and honestly his singing was so-so, but he CAN DANCE! He’s fantastic. And in general, I was BLOWN away by the choreography of the entire production. So unique! … Also, I am CONTINUOUSLY in awe of Loesser’s lyrics! He was a genius. Pure genius!
So that’s basically what’s been going down! I’m making friends still and that’s wonderful— I’m getting in and out of a good schedule. Last week I barely slept at all but this week I think I’ll probably be on top of my work and I’m going to try to stick to a good schedule! We’ll see!
I’m REALLY excited for break but I can’t believe grad school is almost 1/4 over . .. that’s just … CRAZY. Like really really crazy … it’s going so so fast.
I also can’t wait to spend New Years with my baby and two of my besties: sarah and paul. It’s going to be amazing!
Love,
Teresa
The wonderful moment of the day
many many years ago in the days of the tape-walkman, I accidentally recorded this song on 99.1HFS (Back when HFS was still 99.1). The band was new-up-and-coming and they didn’t announce the title of the song OR the band name. This was in the days before the internet was easily accessible— I NEVER knew what the song was or what the band was, but I listened to that tape and song ALL THE TIME. It was my favorite song for at least a year, but I didn’t know what band it was. Then I lost the tape walkman and forgot about it. Every once in a while it would nag me, but I couldn’t remember the melody years later … so about 4 years ago, I heard the song on the radio randomly (but just the ending) but I was on a road trip where I couldn’t really do anything about it … all I could remember was the “save me” lyric and so I got on a computer as soon as I got where i was going and typed “save me.” Turns out there are a TON of songs that have the lyric “save me” in them. *SIGH*
So the magical favorite song remained a mystery … that has continued to bother me YEARS upon YEARS later. Literally, this song was one of my favorites when I was 10 or 11 years old …
until today. Yesterday I was driving for the first time in months and since I don’t have my CDs in the car anymore, I was forced to listen to the radio. And I turned the radio to HFS accidentally (which is back on the radio— I had forgotten!!) and the song is playing at the very end. So I got incredibly excited and kept driving and then as soon as it was over, I pulled out my phone and recorded myself singing the lyrics (as much as I could remember). Today, I remembered the event and I googled those lyrics and I found the mystery favorite song—- and so now, like 12 years later, this song has reappeared in my life and I’m SUPER HAPPY about it.
Stabbing Westward —- “Save Yourself”
Yippee!!
Thanksgiving
I am thankful for:
—my family, who loves me unconditionally and supports me through everything whether or not they agree with how I”m doing it. I am so lucky to grow up in a group of people that love each other and have taught ME how to love myself and others.
—my wonderful girlfriend, who I’ve been with now for over 3 and a half years, who puts up with my crazy and supports me through everything, who understands me better than anyone, and makes me so happy every day I remember how much she loves me.
—for the lessons that Baba taught me, the lessons that have led me to where I am right now in my life. She taught me to NEVER stop believing in myself and that is invaluable.
—for my dreams and the determination that I have BECAUSE of my family, because of my heroes, because of my life.
—everyday I wake up knowing that I am loved.
—for music, which I would be nothing without.
—my friends that love me and listen to me and are there for me and make me smile.
Love,
Teresa
Nineteen? Twenty? I don’t know …
It’s been too long. Megabus Blog
I lack an internet on the megabus, but I can post this when I get back to NYC …
Just went to pittsburgh for the weekend (mainly Saturday since I had to get here overnight Friday and then leave this morning! I spent Saturday with Jessica, which was great. We had the BEST dinner we’ve ever had together at the hotel restaurant and we went swimming and we wandered aimlessly around Pittsburgh and we just spent time together. It was a well needed mini-vacation. Now, I must get back to work! I have a lotttt to do this trip. Maybe I’ll write this blog throughout.
11:30am: It is now 11:30am and we’re supposed to get in between 6:30-7pm. So I have a little while. I have several lyrics to write— most of my reading is done, thankfully! Just lots of writing to do … which is not the worst thing to be doing. I remember when I was younger, whenever I packed for a trip I would bring my little bookbag and inside of it I would put a notebook, a folder, a rhyming dictionary, and a thesaurus. I was a little nerd child. It’s crazy to think that the 10 year old me was more prepared than the 22 year old me who’s in grad school for this sorta thing… at least I’m following my true passion. The window next to me is the slightest bit open so it’s making this little whistling noise. That is slightly annoying … but sorta comforting. I also sorta have to pee but I REFUSE to use the megabus toilet. I’m a priss.
* * * 1:10pm: I’m listening to Primus for a little bit, and I think I need to takea little break from working. I’ve written my lyric for tutorial and I wrote one of my scenes for the upcoming lab. I need to really work on the second scene … but my focus is a little bit like PIEbrlhkjlrkejanwelstgjdkf now, so I think I”m going to takea little break and listen to music instead… I’ve gotten my reading homeworks done … so all I really need to do still is the scene for lab, and it would be good if I could work on some revisions, and the book for Ryan and my show … I still have like six hours to do all of that. i still have to pee … *sigh*
* * * * 1:34 am the next morning
This is the most exciting blog I’ve ever written … not. One day, when I have a chance to breath, I shall write a decent blog again.
Love,Teresa
Nineteen.
Well I have to say, things WERE feeling more normal until the shit hit the fan and splattered all over my NYC life! I’m smiling still, and things are pulling themselves together more.
Firstly, I have this awful social problem that has seemed debilitating (is that even the right word?) for the past few weeks. My priority coming here is to work, to pursue my dream, to concentrate on what’s important to me, and to figure my life out! Making friends was NEVER part of my priorities here, but … it would still be nice. I’ve felt really alone and disliked. Though I’m sure that’s not completely true, there have been things that have made me feel that way even more … I am incredibly busy with assignments (which is good because that is what I signed up for) but there really isn’t TIME to make friends. It’s kind of like … if you sleep, stay healthy, stay sane, and do your assignments on time, you do not have time for friends. THere’s really no in between. The times I try to be social, I end up staying up all night finishing the work I should have been doing. Then the quality of the work diminishes … and in order to keep in touch with my family and friends (at least a LITTLE BIT) I have to take time out of life already. So to make new friends, maintain old ones, and do my stuff whilst staying remotely healthy— I simply cannot expect myself to do it all.
That is where my social problem is coming from. I’m trying so hard to do everything and I can’t. So after a few weeks of really trying to be social and trying to be a friend and feeling like I was being stabbed in the stomach for it I’ve given up. I’m focusing on my work, and being nice, and being friendly— but I can’t go out of my way to be a friend or to make friends … it’s simply too much to do. When friendships happen they will be because they were meant to happen, not because I lost sleep trying.
I guess I sound harsh saying that, but I feel like I have to be … I have few close friends, and those ones are the ones that I WANT to keep. If I want someone in my life, I will try my best to keep them in my life.
I am incredibly home sick. Though I’ve gone this long without seeing my family, in Ohio, eventually, I made a home away from home. So being home-sick never really happened (after the first few months). But here I am, in another first-few-months with all these new people and these new challenges, and I just want to be home with my parents and my sister and brother-in-law and my new niece and granny and grandpop and my favorite cousins.
So I was feeling all that, and in perfect timing my beautiful Jessica came to spend the weekend with me. That was a very welcomed distraction and an even more welcomed friendly face. Though long-distance is difficult, I feel closer to her than ever … I still feel her presence inside of me every day. I think about her everyday and I imagine being with her every day … it’s not enough to distract me from my work, but it is enough to make me feel wanted, loved, appreciated, supported, and warm from 500 miles away … and that’s truly special. I am continually reminded how freaking LUCKY I am to have her and to have a love that is so strong and so supportive and so kind and patient. I can’t say I don’t know what I’d do without her— because I DO know, but I also know that I would be significantly less happy than I am right now.
So when she was here, we saw Avenue Q which was amazing, and went to a hole-in-the-wall mexican place that was DELICIOUS. We just happened to find it … then on Sunday, I managed to fall and break my OTHER ankle (the one I didn’t break last time!) Ridiculous. I thought it was just a bad sprain and I managed to walk on it for a good day or so before realizing it was actually broken. I went in Monday evening and they put a splint on it. Tuesday, I spent on crutches and Tuesday night I went to see an orthopedic doctor. The fracture is definitely there but it is minor and it is below the joint. Last broken ankle, it was on the joint, which was the reason it was so bad. This time, they put me in an aircast and I can walk/limp on the ankle, and put enough weight on it to be able to take showers and waddle around the apartment enough! That is SUCH a relief. I swear, I am the happiest girl with a newly broken ankle you will ever meet. That has to be true! This could have been SOO much worse (it could have been like last time) and it’s not. I can’t IMAGINE having a broken ankle in NYC that’s worse than this … I couldn’t imagine having a broken ankle at ALL in NYC, but I’m handling it. And though I’ll be a couple bucks poorer (taxi rides and grocery-delivery charges, yuck), I will be THAT much stronger and more confident in my ability to adapt to change and take the hits that come.
I have lost about 15 lbs since I’ve been here, and I’ve been really working on trying to stay healthy and walking a lot, and sleeping well … though this ankle-breaking business will probably put me off track weight-wise for about a week or two, I plan to try to NOT change my life around too much. I’ll have to take a bus/taxi instead of walk to and from classes, but there HAS to be a good reason, and I’m going to try to do crunches or arm-work-outs in the meantime! That’s all I can do: make the best of every situation.
Currently, I’m at work (which is really me sitting at the office computer and doing assignments till someone needs my assistance or the phone rings. I was going to go home and work at home, but someone asked if I can cover their shift, so I have about 2 hours now to work on homework. I have two assignments due tomorrow, and though one I can’t do one till I’m home (I need my laptop which I did not bring), I can get the other one done. Then, if I have some extra time, I’ll start on my assignments for Friday and next monday.
I wanted to go home this weekend, but I had a workshift added on Saturday, so I can’t :( But it’s okay, because things are looking brighter.
Now, I just need to quit my awful addiction: diet coke, and I’ll be on top of the world! … again.
Love,
Teresa
Eighteen.
Things are becoming much more normal feeling. All is well. I’m learning my way around so much better … and today, the fourth roommate moves in. We’ll have a full house! We also got the wall-rider approved FINALLY so we’ll be able to get that put up hopefully ASAP!
Also, my beautiful girlfriend is going to be in town not this weekend but next and I’m SOOOO excited to see her.
I LOVE my collaborators, both of them … we have great collaborative chemistry and everything is going well with them. I feel very creatively instigated. It’s great— It’s like BREATHING feeling like this.
It’s really interesting in the program … and very MUCH like speed dating. Sometimes you click and sometimes you don’t … you’re continuously making these amorphous blobs of collaboration and making creative babies.
It’s good. It’s very good.
And time is FLYING. I can’t BELIEVE it’s almost October.
Tonight I’m going to a Rosh Hashanah shin-dig … so that should be fun. Then I’m SLEEPING!!! Tomorrow is my earliest day of the week and I REALLY need to get to bed so that I dont oversleep. Last night I only slept for two hours. GRANTED, I got a TON done! It was definitely worth it.
Love,
Teresa
Seventeen.
Just ate the healthiest lunch I’ve had in a while … man, and now I’m stuffed. Spinach lettuce, oven baked turkey slices, apple slices, carrots, grapes, and lite raspberry walnut dressing … . I got a banana to eat but honestly i think I’ll explode if I do.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my new collaborator, which went splendidly. I had a piano lesson, which was also very promising. Then I went to the Modern Museum of Art and saw the Anything Goes revival.
The MoMA was delicious. I was only able to really able to check out the de Kooning exhibit in detail … I couldn’t take much more in than that. The “woman” works were not something I enjoyed. I totally appreciate their beauty and artistry, but I found them demeaning and derogatory (not in a positive way). I love nude art work but there is so much said in the way it is done … and de Kooning’s was full of anger. However, some of the later period more abstract work was AMAZING in a way that I deeply appreciated, especially some of his untitled works from the 50s. The exhibit was fascinating. I also saw the original “Starry Night” for the first time and felt breathless. It’s very easy to forget that an actual PERSON created the piece of artwork that becomes so ‘common’ when you see multiple prints of it . .. but to actual SEE the brush strokes and the beauty and texture of the paint was completely awe-ing. I felt the same with Dali’s work. Salvador is probably my favorite artist and to see “Persistence of Memory” … the original, that was outstanding.
“Anything Goes” was sooooo much better than I expected! There were a lot of weird mess ups but I give MAJOR probs to the director for making a pretty lame musical into a really great and comedic one. He took the kitschiness and amplified it in such a way that really brought it to a comedic level. Plus Joel Gray’s a genius . .. that helped. The dancing was superb. It was a really good night.
Then today, Stephen moved into the apartment! I have work now . .. but before work I watched Glee with a guy in the program and before THAT, I went to a street fair :) They’re so fun! And I checked out the Strand bookstore which is one of the largest bookstores in the city … if not the largest! It was fun.
Jessica’s coming to town in two weeks, and so I’m definitely excited for that! I’ve been making plans for things we can do to make the most of the time she’s here :D Hopefully my room will have a fourth wall by then!!!
I’m waiting for that approval to come through … still sleeping in the living room. Hah. It’s all good though— i’m SO lucky to have the place I do!
All else is well here. MUCH better than it felt like a week ago!
Love,
Teresa L.
Sixteen.
I don’t have the … mental organization to write a truly well-constructed blog at the moment. My head is sort of reeling … so this will be incredibly all over the place. I apologize for that ahead of time.
1. I’ve now met ALL of my roommates and I adore them all equally.
2. I hate labs. Emotions run so high and the tension in the room can be a little bit painful to me. I’m too sensitive to people-vibes. I don’t feel too sensitive to critique though. It hurts me more when I see someone ELSE upset about their critique then me … and I have no control over their feelings, so … yeah. That is a problem I will have to work on.
3. I burned the roof of my mouth hardcore and it hurts!!!
4. I got the walk to school down to about 30 minutes now. Hopefully, by the end of this year, it’ll be a 20 minute walk.
5. I haven’t gotten lost in a few days! YEAH!
6. I got to see Nathan which was great— it’s nice to see friendly faces around here. Makes it feel less overwhelmingly new.
7. I’m adjusting pretty well now BUT I am trying to find a good place emotionally to sit. Today was a hard day for me … and things keep going up and down. Usually, I am a very emotionally and mentally stable person. My anxiety levels shift around but my emotional state and disposition generally stays pretty stable. Not here. The city does strange things to you and this atmosphere of constant critique, artistic honesty, and the strong expectation of a high level of creativity— it’s sort of forcing me to be constantly in touch with my emotions. After all, you write from the heart, not the mind. The mind CRAFTS, the heart CREATES. This is something that has been hard for me in the past but the craft of writing felt so innate to me that I was able to access the emotion I needed to create the craft … but here, I am being forced to truly pull from my heart with EVERY single thing I write. It’s all about writing from my life, my world, my feelings, my reality, my truth, my everythingggg. The reading load is intense and the writing load is even worse. And the reading load … it’s not bland text books, it’s amazing and challenging works of dramatic artistry. We read Raisin in the Sun, Streetcar Named Desire, Pacific Overtures … now we’re starting to read Angels in America. We’re doing in depth readings/analyses of Gypsy, Guys and Dolls, Book of Mormon, etc. So far it’s about 3 plays per week on top of other readings and generally there are two collaborative assignments that are running concurrently overlapping each other … and then several additional individual assignments … it takes a lot out of you and without a thick skin, solid psyche, and an ability to ride the emotional waves … there’s NO way I can make it through these two years. The thick skin I’ve been working on my whole life. The solid psyche is always actively being developed. Now, the ability to ride my own emotional wave … that’s something that I am forced to do.
There’s an amount of honesty that is required in the work and in the mind here. It’s awesome in so many ways, but horrifying in so many others. I NEED alone time to keep myself balanced, and I need to MAKE the to just ‘play.’
I was thinking about getting a second job, b ut as the work load has picked up, I simply think that that won’t be possible. If I’m going to get ALL I can possibly get out of this program, I need to be devoted to it 100%. End of story.
. . . I lost track of my numbers and I’m too lazy to scroll up to find them again … so I’ll start again with letters … except I’ll start in the middle of the alphabet for funzies.
N. Tonight, I’m going to put away my clothes that have taken over a corner of my room (cause I haven’t felt like hanging them up in the closet), take a shower, dry my hair, hydrate, get in my pjs, and work on stuff for classes. I might watch an episode of Buffy or something before I go to bed … but tonight needs to be a time to focus on my work.
O. We have our new collaborators! i am VERY excited about my next collaboration … it’s one of the composers that I have been really looking forward to working with!
P… . Peace day tomorrow (the “P” reminded me). Maybe I’ll do a peace day blog. I REALLY wanted to do an event for peace day but it simply didn’t work out in my favor. Things were too busy, too crazy, and too new to really set anything up. I will definitely live my day in peace, and probably send out an email or something about it … that’s all I can do for this year. But, Peace Day is every year, so this isn’t the be-all-end-all.
Q. My avocado hummus is all gone :( Sad story, right?
R. I’m gonna stop blogging since it’s already nine and I have yet to get my stuff I need to do tonight done. There’s a lot of organizing that needs to be done … and a lot of mind-clearing … OH! And some sleep would be nice. Definitely.
Love,
Teresa
Fifteen.
Sitting on a megabus, typing a blog, leaving new york city to come home and see my beautifulllll niece!!! I can’t WAITTT! Today was a hard day for me. We had our first lab and I had my first real emotional breakdown in this program … it’s only been two weeks and I’ve already had to lock myself in a practice room and cry :/
I talked to my advisor for a little while though and to one of the other professors and they both made me feel a LOT better. Being a lyricist only is VERY challenging for me. I SPEAK music. I don’t speak lyric … I’m completely changing my artistic philosophies and I’m being thrown into this type of world so strongly that it’s really difficult to turn off the music completely. Collaborating with another composer so far has proved harder than I expected and I just haven’t been having a great time with it all.
But after my emotional breakdown, I had my first class called “Creating Characters” which is probably one of my FAVORITE subjects in fictional writing. So I really enjoyed that one. We tried to name the single protagonist of “Raisen in the Sun” which is significantly more complicated than it sounds!
After that, I got an email saying that our class tomorrow was canceled … and reworked my entire life scheduled, booked the FIRST bus home I could possibly make (which lost me about 20 bucks because I couldn’t cancel my original tickets! It’s so worth it though to have the extra few hours with my niece! SO EXCITEDDDD— did I mention that yet???
Anyway, I dramatically rushed to the bus stop and ended up takinga taxi with this relaly awesome cab driver who told me about some of his New York experiences and some of the racism he’s encountered as a middle-eastern immigrant being in the city. He’s had some amazing life experiences and we talked about the economy and about law enforcement and justice. I didn’t even want to get out of the cab!
Once I go to the bus station, I started talking to a woman from South America who’s studying biotechnology in New York and a guy from Washington DC who’s working in the city. We’re all NYC-living-noobs and since the bus was late, we actually got to talk for about an hour! I’m sitting next to them now! We talked about culture, New York City, religion, sociology, sexuality and how it fits into the culture, ohio, regional differences, and the lady from south america gave me Columbian crackers … . since I was hungry which were DELICIOSO!
I’ll be home late-late tonight and then I’ll be spending tomorrow with my sister, justin, and Maddie. I definitely have some work to do when I’m home, but it’ll be a much needed break tomorrow that I’m really excited to take!
Love,Teresa
Fourteen.
I’ve been feeling a little down and out the past couple days, but last night a little angel was sent my way in the form of one of the people in the cycle above me. We went to a diner and talked for a few hours, and she made me feel worlds better about everything. It’s crazy how people find their way into your world at just the right moment’s sometimes. That night, I had a little talk with her and I took a good step to help resolve my problems. I feel a lottttt better now, and I know that today is a new day. I am going to approach it with an open heart and mind and an honest tongue (weird saying).
I had an interview for an ice cream shop today … I’d like to pick up a couple hours there in the real world, but reallyyyy I’d like to get a position that will help secure me summer employment! Plus …I like ice cream, and it’s really close to my classes. The interview went really well, I think they liked me … come next week, I guess I’ll find out!!
This weekend I get to go home and see my baby niece and I’m sooooo excited. I know Maddie is going to be the light of my life in so many ways and I can’t wait to meet her and hold her for the first time. And I can’t wait to sing my song I wrote to her. I know she won’t understand it yet, but I want her to hear it soooo badly! Going home is going to really refresh my spirit and psyche. I’m going to see my parents and Patti and Justin and seeing my family is JUST what I need. When I come back after this weekend it will all feel much more REAL. It’s barely set in that I’m in New York City.
Last night gave me a new and fresh perspective on today, and I know what I need to do … I’m going to smile and be the person that I was a week ago again. I’m over this feeling down stuff! Also, I think tonight, I wanted to stay in … but I think I might make some plans with one of my new friends.
Also, when I come back to NYC after the weekend, I’m going to try to get into a good eating habit. I’m on this path to being healthier … and once I get into a schedule, I can do that!
Cross your fingers for me for the ice cream shop job, and hug yourselves for me. All my friends from home in Maryland and home in Ohio, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
Love,
Teresa
